If Ale knows about this, she might be disappointed for she didn’t know this weakness of mine. Every time I remember her, I get this feeling of guilt that I lied to her for a year of being acquaintances and the times that I have been enthusiastic about everything. I cannot blame her anyway. What is happening to me should be of my own accord and not of anybody else. I really want to return to my old self. I am wishing of someone to pull me out of this hole that I created. There might not be anyone to do that but I wish there is.

I am also afraid of a lot of things right now. I am afraid being judged. In this point of my life, I realize the things that I used to ignore when I was younger. I am not sure if I am just being pessimistic or what but I am pretty sure of the pain right now and disappointment. I am also afraid to meet another Ale… it seems like I don’t even want to try it again… not only about the pain and all but also of the reason that I might not be enough for someone. There is someone whom I want to know more and be closer with but I just can’t find my heart to. Stupid. I know it’s plain stupid but what can I do? I have lost all the enthusiasm that filled me before. I’m just scared. Nothing more.

I had a new phone. Why? I can’t even see why and I just don’t deserve it. My guilt is just growing. This unit is just a burden to me.

Do I need to rest?

Everyone in my family and my friends hasn’t rest. I know I must keep up but in my current condition, I can’t. This is not about what I am achieving and what they do. It’s just about what I can be proud of my self and what I contribute to them which I cannot see right now.

My other ventures also failed. I don’t want to say that it is because of my special situation because if it were, it would only lead to self-pity… the feeling that I just can’t afford to crawl into my consciousness. And if not, is it just bad luck or lack of faith? I don’t know either.

As of now, I have no game plan. I don’t know how to kick things off the right way again but I know one big thing to pull through… prayer. I would like to cleanse my self of these burdens and start again like I always did.

Cure me…

Trying to find my direction and my destination itself, I kept gliding to the clouds. For the next days, I painted a smile on my face but deep inside me is the feeling that I was left behind and not enough to be with her.

Then one night, everything is turned around right in front of me.

It’s late yet I still tried to fly my way. In my tiring effort, I landed in a cloud and lied down, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths to regain my strength. Then in relief, I opened my eyes again and saw the sky. It’s night… but it’s bright.

The night sky filled with millions of stars is almost blue. They’re so beautiful that I felt like being invigorated with their beauty. My breathing is slowing down and my body seemed lighter. I locked my eyes on the stars and everything started to be clear again. The sadness that crawled down on me is washed in that instant. I can’t help it but a genuine smile appeared in my lips.

My angel might be beyond those stars and watches me… or she might be even one of them.

I was wrong when I thought that she left me for now I know that she’s never been with me… but doesn’t take away my belief that one day I can be where she is.

My strength by now might now be enough… to be an angel… or to be a star… but I just can’t give up. I stood up and looked around. The night is dark but the stars are bright enough for me to see everything in a clear view. The wind is also colder that it refreshes me in an unexplainable way. Even the cloud seemed softer now… as soft as they were before.

I’m going to where I should be. Not caring if she’s an angel or star, if she’s beyond those lights or not, I will pursue this flight.

And if one day I’ll be strong enough, I’ll ask the heavens to let her FALL from the sky like a shooting star and I’ll be right there to catch her as I cast my wish to be with her for the next days of my life.

More than anything You are
Unimaginable and on thy words by far
But my darkened heart became too cruel
I let weakness on me to rule

I am not even afraid to curse
Not even regretful in anger to burst
Really sharp to hurt my tongue is
To pierce other feelings, it won’t miss

For countless times, I turned my back
For countless times, You tried to get me back
But closed are my ears and eyes
My spirit is even as cold as ice

But there’s this unexplainable warm
Inside me that devil itself can’t harm
It’s the only spot of comfort that I have
The only way of Your love

This spark would never die
No matter how in this earth I will cry
In my bed, I will curl up this pain
As You embrace me all over again

I won’t promise a thing
Because I don’t want another sad song to sing
If I lose my grip on You
And take You again in blue

But if ever again I’d be lost and taken
I will pray and stand even if I’ll be shaken
For Your hand I will continuously seek
Even if I’ll be broken and weak

Not for anything or anyone I will be
Running to You for Thy face to see
From my heart and soul is this hunger
To be with You now and ever after

I’ll be down on my knees
As I endlessly look for the never ending bliss
That in heaven forever I will live
Together with You, my Father I believe

With the strength she lends me, I’m a super human that can do anything. I saw the real reasons of my life. I do want a lot of things… but I never realized their value until then. I want them because they’ll make me the person that I wanted to be… the hero… the hero that won’t save some damsel in distress but the hero that will fly along with his heroine.

For some time, I flew… slowly. One day, I opened my eyes and saw how high I am. I’m gliding to the breeze that cools me. Believing she’s along my flight, we glided endlessly… from cloud to cloud… to heavens.

Then with happiness and fulfillment beyond words, I looked at her. I want to take her hand and take her higher… cloud after cloud after cloud… to heavens…

But she wasn’t with me anymore.

I turned around and I saw her… bidding her byes with a great smile in her lovely face. She’s not a heroine… she’s an angel. Assigned to me from the stars, she’s to take her leave… away from me she’ll go.

At that moment, I felt only one thing… fear.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t even remember how to fly. I struggled for my flight but I tried my best to keep from going down knowing she’s still watching me. It even pained me more to keep my tears from her. Strengthening my wings, I flew again… trying to show her how strong I am because of her.

Then little by little, she flew into the skies. Gathering, I tried to keep up with her but its too late. I know I can’t with her now. My whole body started to numb and my wings are flapping on their own keeping me up.

She finally went off my sight and I closed my eyes… losing consciousness and blazed downwards.

On impact, I woke up… I’m at my bed. It’s 3:00 AM… Sunday morning. It’s still dark.

It’s not a dream. I know it really happened to me. I flew to the highest with an angel who’s gone now. There’s nothing left to do… I prayed… prayed like I’ll never pray again asking for His help. Asking Him questions… why… when… how… I know they can’t be answered now but I uttered them… silently in tears. But that last part of her that remains in me shoved me up telling me to get up in my feet, flap my wings and fly again.

It’ll be hard but I don’t want my angel to see me like this. I pulled myself together, wiped my tears and stood up for the day. Taking deep breaths each time, I know I’ll fly again as I thank God that He gave me such an opportunity to meet a real angel at this time.

I don’t know if there’ll be a chance that our paths we’ll meet again but I’ll make sure that I’m also an angel by then… to be with her in all of time.

For some time now, I’ve been satisfied with my life. I got a decent job and an amazing family that I am very proud of but there’s still that last space in my self that is to be filled up… by someone.

I am not that perfect goody kind of guy. There’s a lot of time that I think I’m playing around with my responsibilities. I can spend hours on my computer at home playing games or watching movies like I have nothing else to do. I tend to do bad habits that I know I must get over with but I always fail to. Even though I know that I have to look after my self for more improvement, I usually tend to make excuses. I have decided to be a better person. Funny it may seem but I have made this decision a hundred times. Saying that I’ll be that and this to be the person that I want to be but it just doesn’t last.  For many reasons, I am very complacent. But I’ll be praying to the hardest that I can that I’ll be doing it this time… for the most important reason that I can have.

I don’t know what came to me that I’ve been so optimistic about everything. It feels like that I’ve been renewed and I can do anything. I am so inspired that I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the worthy person. I know that I am not ordinary. Many say that I am special though my life had been a struggle to be an ordinary one but that doesn’t matter now. All I know is that I have to make tremendous effort to be stronger to win the GIFT that will fill up the empty slot in my heart.

But I don’t want to rush things either. The GIFT that I want is a dreamer. She’s incredibly powerful yet simple. Determined of that thing she really wants which I know she can achieve, I had this feeling that I want to be part of that success. I also want to share to her my way of faith as I embrace hers. I also want to make her laugh and see that smile as I do for I can’t help to laugh at her antics. Slowly but surely, her absence nulls my whole day as I’m getting used to that morning greeting and that bid of bye at dusk. I still don’t know what to do and when to do it, what to say and when to say it but I’ll try my best to have the shot at my piece of happiness. I know I am weak and so vulnerable but I have to hold on to this and stay positive. Leaving all the worries and diving into risks, I’ll be in a shouting distance to have my perfect time.

It’ll be hard journey I know. I’ll be tested but I should be strong for the simplest reason that I have this feeling that I won’t feel this happy again.

I spent my 21^st birthday with a bash. The celebration seemed three-days long. First day is at my workplace. Like a custom that I thought not to break or join in at least, I simply bought snacks for my co-employees in the afternoon. It is unbelievably amazing that they really appreciated this simple treat.

Second day is at home. Early that day, my lola and some of my cousins came. Lola, my tita and mama cooked some dishes as part of my birthday celebration. My cousins and I stayed at my room and played games on my computer. How I wish they can visit me often and have such good times with them. We stayed there until my friends came. Like I expected, they are late! But the fact they came really added the icing on the cake. Though we didn’t have a single photo of every one of us, they really made my birthday special. I just appreciate their effort to come. THANK YOU GUYS!

And the extension of my birthday is the day after that, that’s Sunday. My relatives at my father’s side came. They are all present. Well, almost. But I’m really happy that they came for my birthday. My cousins and I watched a movie in my room. It’s actually my first time to watch a movie with them and it felt really nice. Around 3:00pm, even though I wish not to leave them, I have to go to my uncle’s house and meet my cousins. It’s my other cousin’s birthday then. After some chatting with my uncle, we went to SM to hang out a little. I decided to leave them earlier and try to catch up the last mass with mama and dey but unfortunately, dey is not feeling well so I just uttered a silent prayer at the chapel and we went home. That was really a great day for me.

The last time I celebrated my birthday this much is out of my memory but my birthday this year is undeniably unforgettable.

Few may know that I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because I do or plot my resolutions at my birthdays. I simply believe that it’s nicer (my opinion, of course) to do resolutions on the day we are born because it explicitly signals a new year of our lives. But this year, I didn’t have a definite resolution maybe because I’ve been aiming for a single goal lately. This is to become a better person in as many ways as I can. If you would ask me to define this, it’ll really hard for me to put it in words but to make it simple; I just want to be somebody now. A person who stands for himself and everyone he cares for and hopefully a person of value. Sorry but my reasons can’t be revealed but in many ways, this goal should push me further and be the man that I really want to be: a man of balance. Anyways, come to think of it, I’m already 21. I’m also hoping that this article will keep me moving towards this goal.

This is my best birthday yet… really. Thank you all for being part of it… so happy…

Some came and brought me out of this old patched path of mine but every time they go, I always end up returning to that direction which really makes me feel guilty for them. I guess things for me don’t end up well for I haven’t let go of this. As they say, “You must let go of some things to earn new things”. My loved ones even said their views that sometimes encourage me but most of the time discourages. Nonetheless, my fate doesn’t allow me to move for I still have problems to solve (sadly all by myself) in this chapter of my book (LIFE)… which really frustrates me.

When the time to face this comes, I know that it’s not an All-Or-Nothing bet… it’s a Some-Or-Nothing one. I hope strength pours on me. I must face this… really… even if it’s already a lost.

No way back… no way out… so lost…

But I realized that most of man’s problems are made up. Intentionally or not, they are somehow caused by us, bringing miseries. If FATE gave us our tests and we had hard time solving them, causing us such sorrow, there is always a fault on our side.

And now, I got a good idea to get over this. IGNORANCE.

I’ll start ignoring useless things and start focusing on things that matter. I’ll teach myself to laugh on things and let them be. Nonetheless, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.

Ignorance somehow really helps if it is used accordingly… so easy…

I have nothing to worry at all.

I guess I just have to start caring AGAIN… caring for those that matters and start knocking my head off immaterial things.

Starting to care again… so alive…

Last year, 2007, one of my cousins is diagnosed to have some kind of a tumor in his intestines. It’s February then. He had he’s operation and they got the tumor out of him but the doctors saw worse things: the tumor is cancerous and it’s about to spread in his body. After several months, around April, he died at the age of less than sixteen. How young.

When the year is about to end, around November, we were told that her mother is pregnant again. She’s bearing her fifth child. Because of some reasons, we were told not to tell the rest of the family about it. No one in her husband’s family knew it. Only the first-born grandchildren knew the news and we kept it a secret until by March of this year just when my uncle is starting to gather things for his new baby. It’s only then we told the rest about the new member of the family.

But life is really unknown. Just before giving birth, my aunt was diagnosed to have an infection in her ovary that turned out to be cancer also. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl whom she personally named Nicole even in the midst of pain. She even argued with the people around her that tried to suggest a name for the baby. After giving birth, we took care of the baby for my uncle has too much to handle. She seemed to be stable until one Saturday morning, July 19, she died. I don’t know her exact age. Maybe she’s around late 30’s and early 40’s.

I just can’t imagine the pain my uncle is bearing this time. He lost two important parts of him in two consecutive years.

Life is indeed very short and yet very fast. We’ll never know when everything would end. Saying this makes sense but seeing it personally in the lives of others is another case. You can almost feel the pain of the people that made living with them. A certain kind of scare can also be felt. How are we supposed to live our lives if we don’t even know when it’ll end? Are you ready to leave if you know that you still have many things to do? I guess we just have to live with the mystery of life and death after all.

Live to the fullest to regret not… so swift…